My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
SPLOOT
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup