3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.