My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
A roof is a house hat.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do