I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though