Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
You Might Also Like
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
anyone else like Italian cereal
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude