I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.