One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this