It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
You Might Also Like
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.