The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
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joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures