Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
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By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
had to make it
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*