“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
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Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
This is sending me to another galaxy
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.