Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
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when u come home smelling like another dog
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history