I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
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I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.