Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
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FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Mountain Goat : )
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*