Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
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Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”