I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
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“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Yep.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!