How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
nobody’s gonna understand
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.