Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
You Might Also Like
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My typo game is string.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?