boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.