The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth