me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work