ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
You Might Also Like
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.