Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
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Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that