hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one