When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
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Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
May never get over this
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Do not go gentle into that good night,
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!