Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
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Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”