Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
What if the weather talks about us?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I’m giving up for Lent.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.