Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
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I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You鈥檙e burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I鈥檓 standing.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Alexa: *deep breath*
All. The. Damn. Time.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it鈥檚 wide use 3
fingers,make sure it鈥檚 wet and
rub up and down. Yep that鈥檚 how
you wash a cup.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
If you鈥檝e already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 馃惄 馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
shit, they caught us鈥攔un!!!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Impressing the McDonald鈥檚 drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.