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I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.