Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Go hard or stay average
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
The struggle is real.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat