Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.