Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
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A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
😏😏😏
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty