My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*