Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
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I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Cool shirt 馃檪
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Cashier: you鈥檙e 8 cents short
Me: it鈥檚 only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Sorry I鈥檓 late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: Here鈥檚 half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here鈥檚 a new virus every other week.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 馃檨
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that鈥檚 been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.