The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
dream blunt rotation
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy