When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
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Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I like donuts.
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