Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Probably my best painting.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Truth
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.