Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off