They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
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*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Think I pulled my liver
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.