Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
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“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.