COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*