Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok