The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
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Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
So we got a goldfish…
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison