A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Very good! 👍😂
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.