Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping