My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
😂😂
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
What if the weather talks about us?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Steam Forums
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.