Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
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He took my last fry, your honor
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand