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*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.