[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Breakfast for Stoners:
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
? 💀
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Awwwww shit.
We’ve all been there…
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems