I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…